They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
