I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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