he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
