i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
