How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
