drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
She's like a pop up book from hell.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
