I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
