I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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