i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
