I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
