hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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