and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
