YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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