It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
