We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
It was confusing and full of hummus
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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