i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
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