I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
