My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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