The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
