Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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