He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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