Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
