i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Randomize
