Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
