At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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