im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
