the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
