u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Mom said you looked used
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
