WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
