So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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