the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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