Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
