I am spending my child support on dildos
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
