Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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