im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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