remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
this beer tastes like vomit already
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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