OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
