Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
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