you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
