I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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