That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
