You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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