OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
She's the barista slut.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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