if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
