Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
