They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
