cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
