why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
