I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
