ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I enjoy the company of your penis
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