i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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